Saturday, 6 July 2013

Struggling With Depression

By Debbie Leads 8/10/03

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.


Thursday, 3 January 2013

2012 Part One


It’s been a funny old year has 2012, full of ups and downs, discovery, loss and the usual bullshit!

The historic abuse enquiry in Jersey came to a close; however, in my opinion it seems this may have been premature especially in the light of the Jimmy Savile exposure. Of course those in power will deny there is any need, heads in sand again.

In regards to the whole Savile saga, SOJP and the states of Jersey, we knew, we told you, you didn’t believe us and then you decided to do what you do best, absolutely nothing. Shame on you all.

After much huffing and puffing and one failed delivery I finally received my care records from Jersey, were they complete? Not on your life, I may not be ‘educated’ but even I can spot gaping holes and believe me there are lots. Funnily enough, they were in 2 parts, part one was from birth to 9 years old and as far as I can tell is complete. Part two is all about my time in HDLG and surprise there is so much missing I wouldn’t know where to start!

I learnt a lot from part one, probably the biggest revelation was discovering who my father was; unfortunately this info came too late as he passed away some years ago. I also realised that I had been completely let down by the states from a very young age not just from the time I entered HDLG, even now, just thinking about it makes me so angry.

On a happier note, I also discovered copies of hand written letters from my mother; they are very moving and indeed moved me to tears. I’ll be honest I have made assumptions over the years and felt bitterness and anger and unloved even saying that she abandoned me twice, I just wish I had seen the letters because they explained so much and most importantly showed me just how much she loved me and how difficult it was for her. My biggest regret is that I didn’t know these things and never got a chance to say sorry for the way I behaved and to tell her I finally understand and most importantly that in my own way I loved her.

Kevin, Linda, Carol and Wayne, I know I hurt you, I have no excuse and all I can do is tell you that I am so sorry.  

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