At the beginning of 1992 I found myself back in London after spending 8 months in rehab. I was in a hostel in new cross which is in south London. The trouble was I was back on my old stomping ground .I had already started to drink again and realized that I was still moving in the same circles as before.
I decided to leave London to give myself a better chance of not returning to my addiction. I packed a bag and headed off to Southampton where I had lived in the past. After 4 months however, I was bored out of my mind so I decided to return to London. The hostel I had been living at before usually had a policy of not readmitting after you have left, however, the hostel manager was an old biker and after I had been to see him he had agreed to let me have another chance.
My first day back in the hostel I made my way to the dining room for dinner. I was sat at a large round table suitable for 8 people on my own when a young girl walked up and said in a sweet voice “is any one sitting here”. I laughed and said “does it look like it, of course you can sit there”. I have to admit now that the first thing I noticed about her was the size of her breasts (chuckle).I started to chat with her and I found out her name was Samantha and she was 19.she was very smartly dressed and in my eyes stunningly pretty. To be honest I didn’t think I had a chance in hell as I was still in my biking days, dressed in my usual ripped smelly old jeans etc... Plus I was infact 12 years older than her.
I had a friend visiting me at the hostel, tony was waiting for me in my room whilst I was having dinner. When I returned I had a big smile on my face and I told him “I have just met the girl that I am going to marry!” She didn’t make it easy but finally, much to my surprise and delight, she agreed to be my girl.
Almost immediately she fell pregnant, I was delighted.one morning after being together for about 6 weeks we were sitting with friends in new cross market café ,when I jumped up got on my knees and asked her to marry me!. After the shock and embarrassment died away she said yes! We were married at the begging of December 1992, it was up to that point the happiest day of my life. Not only did she make me the happiest man alive but looking back (and I have never told her this but maybe she will read this blog) that day she saved my life.
It was never an ‘easy’ marriage, to be honest I really don’t know how she put up with me, for 13 years she put up with my mood swings, the fact that I would wonder off at any time without her knowing where I was, I don’t think she ever really knew how ‘damaged’ I was inside.
We had three wonderful children together, I love them dearly however they were the most difficult thing for me to deal with. Simple things that most fathers would just take for granted like changing them or bathing them were a nightmare, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it, I just felt so uncomfortable with it and I couldn’t explain why. Now I know that it was a fear left in me by my abusers.
I had spent years desperately searching for somebody to love me, now I had Sam and the kids but my inability to show them love after years of hiding behind my protective wall eventually cost me my marriage. Something else I can thank my abusers for.