Friday, 15 May 2009

The Search For 'Belonging'

I've had enough! enough of the bullshit, enough of the political posturing, enough of the denial, enough of it all already.
Somewhere along the line during the historical abuse enquiry alot of people seem to have forgotten that more than anything its about people, real people who were once children, children who should have been nurtured, loved, cared for, inspired by and guided into adulthood by those who were employed and trusted to do so. The system that should have protected those children failed miserably.
I'm gonna share with you some of my reality!
As I entered HDLG aged 9 my feelings of rejection overwhelmed me, rejected my my natural mother twice and then by my adoptive parents it didnt take long before I started to believe the adults around me when they said 'you're no good, nobody wants you, you'll never amount to anything'
I never really fit in during my time at hdlg, I didnt have many friends, I was what you would term as a 'loner' moody and withdrawn.
I was the perfect target for those who would abuse me.
I wanted to 'belong', oh god I so craved acceptance from my peers but, apart from a very few, it never happened.
School was the same, especially secondry where the stigma of being from hdlg coupled with my quiet nature made me a target for bullies and off the cuff remarks that really hurt.
Over the years I have craved for that sense of belonging, I have lived on the streets in London, become part of the drug scene, stumbled from one failed relationship to another, been a punk, been a biker, joined an outlaw bike club and been to prison, I even spent a year in a hari krishna temple but through it all I just wanted to be accepted and belong.
Even now, aged 47, I still crave that acceptance, but those words still haunt me,
'you're no good, nobody wants you, you'll never amount to anything'

5 comments:

  1. Allan, You do amount to things, you have close friends who love and care for you. I know it's impossible to undo the past but it's not possible to bury it where it belongs and move on. Don't let these people take your future away too. They are not worthy.
    You know where I am if you want to talk about anything. xx

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  2. Ozzy.

    It is hard to leave a comment without sounding patronising.

    What I will say is more and more people are starting to understand the failings of our "care" system. Although only those who have experienced these atrocity's will ever know the full impact of them.

    There are those of us who do their best to try and understand the trauma and life damaging atrocity's yourself and all abuse survivors have had to endure.

    You do have acceptance and those like me are not so ready to judge anybody quite as quickly as they might have done previously. There are people fighting your corner, but as you will be only too aware, it is a very difficult and drawn out process but like you we will not give up!

    I know it's easy to say, but stay strong, the rest of us need your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Allan, your post made me sad. I am the same age as you and I too remember the feeling of not belonging and being cast as a nobody. But we are someone, the baby in your arms proves that you are somebody who cares and will not give up, just as I will never give up for as long as there is breath in my body.

    Take care we are all here together watching over each other.

    Carrie

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  4. Ozzy
    I don’t know if you have watched the documentary Chosen.
    It gives ordinary people like myself that hasn’t experienced any abuse, an insight into how a Vitim might feel . The three men that appear in this documentary give A very frank account of there experiences from the time they were chosen to there thoughts and nightmares that have lived with them into mid life.
    I can now see why it took so long for this documentary to get funding and finally into production
    People don’t like talking about the subject of abuse it makes them feel uncomfortable but ,very slowly the tide is changing. You are not a nobody Ozzy you are a very important part of this tidal change keep bloging ,ill keep talking to people even if it does make them uncomfortable and to every one else that is doing there best to bring change to a failing child care system.
    Good luck.

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  5. Dear Ozzy,

    I understand your need to be accepted, I think the hardest part is learning to accept yourself. When a person has suffered abuse, it is not something you get over, it is something you are forced to live with daily. Little things that can make you feel like nothing, it comes in the way of relationships because a person is scared to give themselves fully, just in case, trying to protect themselves. Drugs give a person the confidence to be the person they want to be, at the time feeling no need for acceptance. I won't bore you anymore, but did you ever read 'We're all doing time' by Bo Lozouf? Sometimes it can prove helpful (and distressing when writing it) writing down all you can remember of what happened to you. When you write it you live it, but when you read it back it can sort of give an objective look at the past and a realisation that it was something that you had no control over.

    All in all, my best wishes and stay smiling and strong.

    ReplyDelete

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