Someone asked me last week 'have you ever had a proper relationship?'
I took a step back and took a long hard look back over my life and reluctantly admitted that actually I didn't think I had.
I never really had a 'girlfriend' until I was about 16, sure I had crushes, mainly on girls in HDLG but in the main I was too shy to do anything about it. There was 'THE' one of course, my first love. To me she was the most beautiful girl ever, she lit up my life, but, alas, it was unrequited and she broke my heart.I never forgot her.
For the most part I stumbled along from one relationship to another, one night stands were 'the norm' but there were three significant relationships that I can recall. The first ended because I was in prison, The second ended after she went off with my 'mate' and then there was my marriage.
I spent 14 years with my ex-wife and we had three wonderful children together. I know what you're going to say 'surely that must have been a real relationship' but no in reality it wasn't. To be honest I don't know how she put up with me for that long. Every time it got difficult I did what I did best.....ran away! Don't get me wrong, I did and still do love her but there was one thing that was always in the way....The wall I had built to 'protect' myself so many years ago.
That wall was built upon the feelings of abandonment as a child, the mistrust caused by those who 'loved' and cared about me but still felt it was OK to abuse me and my determination to never allow myself to be hurt ever again.
So, there you have it, a life of running away, pushing people away and hurting those who got close before they could hurt me.
And still the wall remains!