Monday, 15 December 2008


As you may have gathered from previous posts I was once a resident of Haut De La Garenne, the children's home at the centre of the historical abuse inquiry in Jersey. I am a 'survivor', in other words I was the victim of abuse in various forms.

Now I've got that out of the way I want to talk about child abuse in relation to the male sex. Actually no, I'll rephrase that to the treatment received by male survivors of abuse.
Why is it still seen as some kind of taboo subject?
well, maybe because we (boys/men)are expected by society to be 'strong'. Alot of male abuse victims never speak of their abuse even though it can and has had an enormous impact on their lives, I have known it to drive some to suicide, some to be emotionally scarred and unable to have a 'normal' relationship of any kind and yes some to become abusers themselves.
I myself never spoke to anyone about what happened to me for some 30 odd years. Not even my now ex wife whom I spent around 15 years with knew.
well to put it simply 'Shame'. The very thought of having to admit that it happened, to admit that as a man I had once been vulnerable or 'weak'. And the fear of the finger pointing, the knowing look on a strangers face, of being labelled as 'dirty' and most of all the fear of being called a liar (again!).
Yes, I am a survivor of abuse, but does being male make it somehow different to if I was a woman? I think not, abuse is abuse and its time society realised that male abuse does exist and more than they will ever know unless they make it less of a taboo and encourage the victims to talk about it without fear of being persecuted.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Men in court on sex abuse charges

Two men have appeared in court to face charges of sexually assaulting children at Jersey's former Haut de la Garenne care home.

Full Story HERE

Haut de la garenne survivors message of hope

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

You broke me by Brokensoul

You broke my heart,
You broke my soul.
You broke the reason,
Of me living,
On this world.

You made me cry,
You made me scream.
You are the reason,
Of the pain,
And me screaming,
All night long.

You destroyed my dreams,
You killed my spirit.
I will never forgive you,
For letting me fall,
Deeper and deeper.
I would never forget,
The reason that I cry,
And want to forget,
That life will continue,
Until I close my eyes,
And sleep forever. 

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Jersey abuse enquiry

I dont really want to say much about this. I was a resident at Haut De La Garenne between 1970-76. I buried alot of things and emotions deep in the recesses of my mind a long time ago, however, I now find myself having to deal with them all over again and believe me when I say it is very, very painful.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

what a year its been! (Part 2)

So, having had my heart 'fixed' by the surgeons and being well into my recovery my poor heart gets well and truly broken!!! Let me explain.....
15 years ago I married my true love, not just my true love but my soul mate. I'm not going to kid myself or you and say it was the easiest marriage but 13 years on we were still together. I suppose it was inevitable that we would seperate, it really was one of those 'cant live with her, cant live without her' relationships. Anyway, I really believed (somewhat foolishly it now seems) that we would get it together and make another go of it. Then my world fell apart when she announced that she had found somone new (on the internet!) and that she wanted a divorce so she could marry him. Had I been stronger both physically and mentally maybe I would have fought harder but as it is I just gave up and gave her what she wanted, no fighting or any of that nonsense. I guess I thought it would be easy to just 'walk away', how wrong was I!
I still love her and I guess I always will but time moves on and as time goes by it becomes a little easier to bare.

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

what a year its been!

Well 18 months actually!
Feb 2007 saw me in hospital in Wolverhampton having a triple heart by-pass after I had a second heart attack in 5 years. I had to wait for 6 months between being told I needed it and actually having it and I can tell you in that 6 months I went through every emotion known to man. The fear of dying on the operating table gave me nightmares and really scared me.
Thankfully, all went well and I'd like to say a big thankyou to the surgical team and all the staff at the heart and lung unit in wolves who looked after me so well.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Its been a while

so much has happened in the last year, its been a difficult time to say the least. Now I'm back on form so watch this space! File-Sharing News And Information