Saturday, 6 July 2013

Struggling With Depression

By Debbie Leads 8/10/03

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

2012 Part One

It’s been a funny old year has 2012, full of ups and downs, discovery, loss and the usual bullshit!

The historic abuse enquiry in Jersey came to a close; however, in my opinion it seems this may have been premature especially in the light of the Jimmy Savile exposure. Of course those in power will deny there is any need, heads in sand again.

In regards to the whole Savile saga, SOJP and the states of Jersey, we knew, we told you, you didn’t believe us and then you decided to do what you do best, absolutely nothing. Shame on you all.

After much huffing and puffing and one failed delivery I finally received my care records from Jersey, were they complete? Not on your life, I may not be ‘educated’ but even I can spot gaping holes and believe me there are lots. Funnily enough, they were in 2 parts, part one was from birth to 9 years old and as far as I can tell is complete. Part two is all about my time in HDLG and surprise there is so much missing I wouldn’t know where to start!

I learnt a lot from part one, probably the biggest revelation was discovering who my father was; unfortunately this info came too late as he passed away some years ago. I also realised that I had been completely let down by the states from a very young age not just from the time I entered HDLG, even now, just thinking about it makes me so angry.

On a happier note, I also discovered copies of hand written letters from my mother; they are very moving and indeed moved me to tears. I’ll be honest I have made assumptions over the years and felt bitterness and anger and unloved even saying that she abandoned me twice, I just wish I had seen the letters because they explained so much and most importantly showed me just how much she loved me and how difficult it was for her. My biggest regret is that I didn’t know these things and never got a chance to say sorry for the way I behaved and to tell her I finally understand and most importantly that in my own way I loved her.

Kevin, Linda, Carol and Wayne, I know I hurt you, I have no excuse and all I can do is tell you that I am so sorry.  

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Reflections part two

At the beginning of 1992 I found myself back in London after spending 8 months in rehab. I was in a hostel in new cross which is in south London. The trouble was I was back on my old stomping ground .I had already started to drink again and realized that I was still moving in the same circles as before.

 I decided to leave London to give myself a better chance of not returning to my addiction. I packed a bag and headed off to Southampton where I had lived in the past. After 4 months however, I was bored out of my mind so I decided to return to London. The hostel I had been living at before usually had a policy of not readmitting after you have left, however, the hostel manager was an old biker and after I had been to see him he had agreed to let me have another chance.

My first day back in the hostel I made my way to the dining room for dinner. I was sat at a large round table suitable for 8 people on my own when a young girl walked up and said in a sweet voice “is any one sitting here”. I laughed and said “does it look like it, of course you can sit there”. I have to admit now that the first thing I noticed about her was the size of her breasts (chuckle).I started to chat with her and I found out her name was Samantha and she was 19.she was very smartly dressed and in my eyes stunningly pretty. To be honest I didn’t think I had a chance in hell as I was still in my biking days, dressed in my usual ripped smelly old jeans etc... Plus I was infact 12 years older than her.

I had a friend visiting me at the hostel, tony was waiting for me in my room whilst I was having dinner. When I returned I had a big smile on my face and I told him “I have just met the girl that I am going to marry!” She didn’t make it easy but finally, much to my surprise and delight, she agreed to be my girl.

Almost immediately she fell pregnant, I was morning after being together for about 6 weeks we were sitting with friends in new cross market café ,when I jumped up got on my knees and asked her to marry me!. After the shock and embarrassment died away she said yes! We were married at the begging of December 1992, it was up to that point the happiest day of my life. Not only did she make me the happiest man alive but looking back (and I have never told her this but maybe she will read this blog) that day she saved my life.

It was never an ‘easy’ marriage, to be honest I really don’t know how she put up with me, for 13 years she put up with my mood swings, the fact that I would wonder off at any time without her knowing where I was, I don’t think she ever really knew how ‘damaged’ I was inside.

We had three wonderful children together, I love them dearly however they were the most difficult thing for me to deal with. Simple things that most fathers would just take for granted like changing them or bathing them were a nightmare, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it, I just felt so uncomfortable with it and I couldn’t explain why. Now I know that it was a fear left in me by my abusers.

I had spent years desperately searching for somebody to love me, now I had Sam and the kids but my inability to show them love after years of hiding behind my protective wall eventually cost me my marriage. Something else I can thank my abusers for.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Reflections part one

You would think that after 51 years I would have life sussed, but I haven’t!

My life was never going to be an easy one, from birth it just went downhill. I was, in the first nine years, passed around from one place to another, never really having the chance to settle in one place long enough before being moved again. Even at this stage the Jersey Children’s Service failed me dramatically.

By the time I arrived at Haut De La Garenne at 9 years old I was already in a vulnerable state, often moody, not able to connect with my peers, withdrawn, no pride in myself, all these things lead me now to believe I was suffering depression. A prime target for the bully’s and abusers.

Six years on and finally free from the tyranny, fear and abuse I headed for England, I won’t go into details but it was not a good start and soon I found myself cold and alone on the streets of London. I quickly became involved in the street ‘scene’, nights spent roughing it at Embankment station waiting patiently for the arrival of the ‘soup run’ bus, ah the joy that can be had from a hot cup of soup on a cold night, bliss. If I was really lucky I would get a bed in the Centrepoint hostel on Shaftsbury Avenue, a haven of momentous proportions to a young kid on the street. If I was desperate I would go to the ‘Spike’ or DHSS Resettlement Centre in Dean Street, if anywhere deserved the label ‘last resort’ then it did!

I also started to drink and dabble with drugs soon becoming an alcoholic and barbiturate addict, eventually moving on to harder drugs.

Without realising I had also built this complete this new persona, no longer was I the shy quiet boy who was easily bullied, instead, I had become Ozzy, biker and nutter and definitely not to be messed with, the wall was complete and no-one was ever going to get through it and be able to hurt me again.

For twelve years that was my life, bikes birds and booze/drugs, I can admit now that I did some things during this time that I am not proud of, I was on a course of self-destruction, it was a hell of a ride but I couldn’t get off!          

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Compensation, Payoffs & 2009 Re-visited

So, we now have the 'compensation scheme' in place, another minefield for survivors to crawl through, hoops to jump through!
It makes me laugh, really it does, look at the revelations about golden handshakes and payoffs recently, £546,337 for leaving your job, not fired, not made redundant, leaving your job of your own accord before you complete your contract.
Now look at the compensation being offered to survivors of abuse, max payout £66,000, now, in reality, we all know that very few people, if any, will get anywhere near that. The States are gonna try to settle for the least amount possible, I fear a lot of survivors will actually receive less than £10,000.A lot less!
Would you call this justice?
No amount of money can undo what was done, and for a lot of survivors its about recognition more than anything.

I'd like to finish by reposting a blog entry I made in 2009, the only thing that has changed is that I reached the grand age of 50, still searching.

Friday, 15 May 2009

The Search For 'Belonging'

I've had enough! enough of the bullshit, enough of the political posturing, enough of the denial, enough of it all already.
Somewhere along the line during the historical abuse enquiry alot of people seem to have forgotten that more than anything its about people, real people who were once children, children who should have been nurtured, loved, cared for, inspired by and guided into adulthood by those who were employed and trusted to do so. The system that should have protected those children failed miserably.
I'm gonna share with you some of my reality!
As I entered HDLG aged 9 my feelings of rejection overwhelmed me, rejected my my natural mother twice and then by my adoptive parents it didnt take long before I started to believe the adults around me when they said 'you're no good, nobody wants you, you'll never amount to anything'
I never really fit in during my time at hdlg, I didnt have many friends, I was what you would term as a 'loner' moody and withdrawn.
I was the perfect target for those who would abuse me.
I wanted to 'belong', oh god I so craved acceptance from my peers but, apart from a very few, it never happened.
School was the same, especially secondry where the stigma of being from hdlg coupled with my quiet nature made me a target for bullies and off the cuff remarks that really hurt.
Over the years I have craved for that sense of belonging, I have lived on the streets in London, become part of the drug scene, stumbled from one failed relationship to another, been a punk, been a biker, joined an outlaw bike club and been to prison, I even spent a year in a hari krishna temple but through it all I just wanted to be accepted and belong.
Even now, aged 47, I still crave that acceptance, but those words still haunt me,
'you're no good, nobody wants you, you'll never amount to anything'

Friday, 9 March 2012

4 Years on the fight continues

4 years on and still we fight for justice, be brave my friends, we will get there in the end, we are 'survivors'

Friday, 24 February 2012

Dear States of Jersey,

Whilst I appreciate that you are all so busy these days what with having to read so many blogs just so you know what is going on, making up excuses for the delay in the Committee of Inquiry, playing cat and mouse with survivors over compensation for all that abuse that you would like us all to believe never really happened and of course trying to avoid any awkward questions regarding a certain sacking I would appreciate an answer to the following....


I know you have them as 2 years ago when I was interviewed by sojp they had a school photo which they said was in my records so where have they gone in the meantime?

You could say 'we never had them' but that wouldnt wash would it because that would mean the nice man from sojp was lying, oh, but wait, that would suit you wouldnt it.

You could say 'there has been an administrive error and we seem to have misplaced them' now that would be believable with the state of the current administration but improbable I think.

More likely, and I'm sure you would never admit this, you are busy scouring them and removing anything that could possibly hurt you, or, perhaps you just buried them under a very big pile of crap in the hope that I will forget about them but I wont.

I'm really wondering now what it is that you dont want me or my lawyer to see, what lies are in there?

Come on now, no more delays, just grow some balls and lets be having the records, 

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